


'Ludes, not love

by earlyavril



Category: Shingeki no Kyojin | Attack on Titan
Genre: Alternate Universe - 1970s, Drug Addiction, Drug Use, Friendship/Love, Homelessness, M/M, Manipulation, Rape/Non-con Elements, Savior Erwin
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2018-09-13
Updated: 2018-09-13
Packaged: 2019-03-08 07:44:44
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence, Rape/Non-Con
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,826
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/13453641
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/earlyavril/pseuds/earlyavril
Summary: It's the beginning of the 1970's. Levi has grown up in New Jersey with rich-ish parents and nice prospects. When his parents find out about him being gay, not having applied to college, and using drugs, Levi accepts their offer to be emancipated and leave home instead of being thrown out.





	'Ludes, not love

**Author's Note:**

> Trigger warning for mentions and descriptions of drug abuse/addiction, manipulation, rape.

"Good thing I'm not possessive... the way they're all looking at you, it's so obvious they all want you."  
The ringing in Levi's ears will barely let Jean's voice register, but it does and it sounds demanding. Jean is hauling Levi up the stairs in a dirty, run-down apartment building and they're both starving and tired. They haven't had a proper meal or a nice place to sleep in three days. 

Jean knows that Levi isn't used to his way of living, not at all.

Just three weeks ago he was a pampered Jersey kid with prospects. After having been found out to be gay and using drugs, he'd been 'invited' to walk out of his parents' home instead of being thrown out. Later that same day, when Levi had showed up at his buddies' rager and said that he was emancipated and without a home. Jean had quickly decided to take him on. 

Levi had been clingy and grateful for a few days, high on quaaludes and full of repressed anger and sorrow, but now for a few days he'd gotten more and more quiet and sullen. They'd slept at the party site, an old warehouse along with many others, until the cops had shown up and made them all scatter. Levi and Jean got a lift into New York, where they'd wandered around Central Park and occasionally spent the night at some of Jean's friends' places, but often they slept outside, in makeshift camps with other stray hippies, runaways and gays. Though the weather was quickly getting colder and harsher and lately, Levi would often become so chilled after sleeping outside that he'd have trouble gaining back the feeling in his hands and feet. Jean had tried his best to ration the drugs and food he'd managed to save or steal, but his stash of quaaludes and coke was gone by now.

"Connor is a nice guy, you remember him from the party right? I know he'd love to get to know you."  
Jean speaks sweetly, almost as if he's talking to a child. Levi's having a hard time focusing, because of low blood sugar, tire and a hefty dose of hangover. He leans heavily against Jean's shoulder, and tries to gather his thoughts enough to be able to put together what it is that Jean is implying. Connor - that name brings to mind a tall stature, muscled tattooed arms and long black hair in braids. A rough voice, a warm, lingering handshake. Sure, Connor. Levi blinks up at Jean and nods slowly.

"Yeah...", he says, pleased to see Jean's approving smile.

"Well he really wants to meet you."

Levi squints when his vision suddenly blurs for a second. He still doesn't understand what Jean is going at. "What - right now?"

Jean laughs a little, and ruffles Levi's hair at that. "Of course, what else do you think we came here for?"  
Levi frowns. Jean sighs. "Look", he says, pinning Levi gently against the wall with a firm grip on both his shoulders. "I've been running low since we met and it would have been fine if those cops hadn't lured all my friends away but here we are. Connor has the best 'ludes - you like those right?"

Levi nods, of course he likes quaaludes, they make him feel light and calm, and they take away hunger and pain.

"Well, in order to get more, we have to... give Connor something, right? He really likes you. He's a really good one, you'll see."

Finally it dawns on Levi that Jean want to have Levi offer himself to Connor in exchange for the drugs. Like, offer himself up for sex? Right, that's got to be it. A chill runs down his spine, and it has nothing to do with the hangover or fatigue. He suddenly feels everything. All that's wrong with his being clumped together with Jean, that he's homeless at eighteen, that his stomach is aching from not having eaten properly in too many days, that Jean would even think of selling him in order to get drugs. His reaction doesn't reach beyond his interior, though. He feels himself nod weakly, and before he knows it Jean's started to drag him further up the staircase.

Jean stands in front of Levi and knocks on the door. 

Levi's mind has cleared but it's jumbled and hard to focus and he's desperately weighing the options at hand. He could go inside, and Jean could get his drugs and Levi could agree to be... fucked, by a stranger. It would be his first time, but Jean doesn't know he's still a virgin. Levi swallows and feels instantly nauseous.  
... They could just go inside and Levi could refuse to do anything. But then he'd probably get dumped, and as much as he doesn't want to keep roaming around with Jean, he isn't ready to brave the streets by himself, alone, with no money, not again. Another option would be to run, go back to his parents - but they told him to leave and never come back. He even agreed to be emancipated from them, but by then he'd already emotionally shut off, and since then he's been numb. Until he met Jean and was welcomed to another, slightly warmer kind of numbness.

Jean's loud banging on the door shakes Levi out of the fog and he stares at the person who opens it. A tall, very scruffy but handsome man with long black braids, some adorned with rows of glass pearls, leans out and squints at Jean who huffs impatiently, and then he frowns and turns to Levi, and eyes him for several seconds too long. He steps back and gestures for them to come in.

The place is dark and smells like weed and incense. There's a small kitchen area obscured by some drapes, and the one room that's littered with clothes and random things. There's an old couch and a bed and a few oriental sitting puffs.  
Connor goes straight into the kitchen and Jean shuts the door behind them and grabs Levi's hand. He leads them to the couch where he flops down, pulling Levi along with him. He leans into Levi and kisses his cheek hastily. He smiles, and Levi relaxes somewhat. 

"I'm so fucking lucky to have found you", he whispers, and Levi tries to smile but his face feels all stiff. For some reason he can't react. This all is so wrong, he should feel panicked, but he's just... shut off, and so tired. It's nice and weird at the same time.

Connor comes back with a bottle of wine and tea cups. Jean grins and they make some small talk. Levi stares at a sitar that's leaning against the bed and tries to count the strings on it. His mouth feels dry and he starts to doze off. At least it's warm in here, he thinks before he falls asleep with his cheek against Jean's shoulder.

"Levi? You remember Connor, right?"

He looks up and finds that Jean and Connor are both looking at him. Jean is looking encouraging and impatient, and Connor is scanning him up and down. Levi sits up and nods. 

"You don't talk much, do you?", Connor says, clearly amused. Jean squeezes Levi's thigh but he gets no reaction other than another nod and a disconnected smile. Jean shrugs, turns to Connor who's perched on a pillow on the floor in front of them.

"He's tired. We've had some bad luck lately. No place to sleep", explains Jean. Levi nods again, because it seems like the best idea is to agree with Jean right now. 

"Well, you can stay here tonight." Connor sits up on his knees and moves toward Levi, and Jean hops up to make room for him on the couch.  
Levi watches Connor make himself comfortable in a fatigue-fueled haze, and is surprised with a pill suddenly pressed to his lips. As he looks up, Connor smiles at him, bright teeth showing. Levi mindlessly accepts he pill that Connor feeds him and coughs as he swallows it dry. 

 

Levi wakes up with a headache, and when he tries to sit up he realizes that he's lying in Connor's bed, and a heavy arm is slung across his chest. Connor's head is resting beside his shoulder, he feels puffs of hot breath against his skin. A strange feeling in his belly makes itself known. He aches all over. He's still feeling exhausted, but the confused haze he experienced last night is gone. He tries to calm himself down by taking deep breaths, but the weight over his chest restricts his movements and he begins to panic. Connor mumbles something in his sleep, and thankfully shifts over to the other side of the bed. Levi shoots up, and once he's standing beside the bed he realizes that his clothes are strewn across the floor. Levi's eyes widen with fear and as he gathers his clothes he tries to remember what happened after he and Jean sat down in Connor's couch, but there's nothing. It's like time's skipped. The feeling of loft time hits Levi hard. He chokes back a panicked sob when he pulls on his jeans, his underwear is missing from the pile on the floor.

"Come back here, Levi", Connor groans from the bed. Levi spins around and his eyes dart around the room. Connor just smiles.  
"H-how... what-" Levi croaks, his throat feels dry and thick. He feels sick, and he notices that Jean isn't there. It scares him, more than the fact that he has no recollection of the last eight hours.

"Don't worry... just come back to bed."

Levi hears Connor's lazy response as if he's under water. His temples are throbbing and his stomach suddenly lurches violently. He rushes through the drapery into the kitchen and throws up in the sink. There's not much to throw up but some red wine and acidic liquid, it burn his throat and he heaves and hacks until it's all out. His mind is racing. Did he and Connor...? Had Jean left, dumped him here? What would become of him now? 

He rinses the sink with water as his eyes start to tear up, splashes some water on his face and when Connor calls him again he just sinks down to the floor. He's alone again, and he can't handle it. He's been putting off thinking about this since he walked out of his home, he'd gone to that party and since then he'd drifted around with Jean, more or less high att the time. Now he feels brutally sober, apart from being sick and aching. His only possessions are the clothes on his back and a ratty backback with his wallet, driver's license and passport. He's got a little money left, that he didn't tell Jean about. It could probably get him a couple of bus or train tickets but not much more.


End file.
